Clippings: A Selection of Articles on the Pro-Beard Movement & How They Took Away the Right to Shave

Follicle Freedoms Vanish Overnight. — Fox News

Last night in a groundbreaking story, a leaked document from the pro-beard judges announced what men had feared most.

The anti-epilation law preventing people from banning hair removal is to be overturned next week. The ruling, was penned by Justice Pandora and 5 other Justices who are all BIPOC, non-binary, LGBTQ, and disabled. Not one of them had ever grown facial hair, or had to shave it, but they heard it was easy enough to deal with.

When asked about their position they said they liked beards, thought everyone should have them, plus the Bible said hair was good, so it must be true.

When the hard-earned case for epilation rights is overturned, people will no longer have the right to choose how to wear their facial hair. Beard or no beard, sideburns, mustache or goatee, 50 years of legal hair choice, gone.

The anti-shaving group “Beards, not Bumps” celebrated years of lobbying and paying off the courts in a statement, “Booyah.”

On the heels of the Crown Act, people were optimistic in the U.S. full hair freedom was nearly here. Now, guys watch in shock as state after state takes their body autonomy and epilation-rights, leaving men barefoot and hairy.

Reading from the brief, “If they can grow it, they have to let it grow and grow. If anyone messes with its growth, even a quick buzz when it’s only a 4 o’clock shadow, they risk prison.”

Anything done to ensure their face is healthy becomes suspect. Even those who find it difficult to grow beards are affected. One mom tweeted, “How awful!” Then she went back to sleep.

Pro-beard Evangelicals to Congress: The Bible says don’t cut your hair, so, um, yeah.-JFC

How did we get here?

A Senator (who has never had to shave) noted “It’s in the bible at least 10 times. As it is written (by a scribe of King James interpreting some Hebrew from a few thousand years ago) Numbers 6:5 - ‘All the days of the vow of his separation there shall no razor come upon his head: until the days be fulfilled, in which he separateth himself unto the LORD, he shall be holy, and shall let the locks of the hair of his head grow.’ See! There.” When asked about a dozen other verses where it clearly stated the opposite or only applied to a few people Senator Yoink replied, “I mean, obviously, that’s irrelevant.”

Many who led the push to ban depilatory treatments warned, “The new law is complicated; even we don’t understand it.”

Via an email obtained by BuzzFeeder, the military strongly objected, citing health and safety. “We must use buzzers and shave heads for hygiene as we've done since lice became rampant in Civil War tents.” Indeed, reversing a procedure, backed by science and used to keep a large part of the population safe is a dangerous precedent.

But, pro-growthers said “So? The Civil War was like, not that long ago.” Instead, they claim a verse in the 2,000-year-old sequel is a better guide for public policy. Originally referencing how Priests should dress in the “inner court” they utilized “Neither shall they shave their heads,” to guide their decision, Judge Neato penning “epilation is egregiously wrong. Case closed.”

Office of anti-epilation organization targeted in arson attack. Police suspect bearded men responsible. — MSNOT

Hairless Are Rights for Democracy representative said the fire set to the salon seemed to be sending a message to get on board. But, H.A.R.D. activists noted the reason behind outlawing epilation made “no fucking sense” as “[to not] shave their heads'' was used out of context. Ezekiel 44:20 actually reads, “nor suffer their locks to grow long. They shall only poll their heads.”

A legal expert with no knowledge of hair growth said, since it was 2022 and no one knew what “poll their heads” meant anyway, they should get to choose. Judge White T.F. concurred, even if she couldn’t grow a stache, “the no-shaving thing was the only choice”–a choice, which they made, for everyone else.

Epilation Protests: Security Tightened Around Court Justices. — C.U.N. Times

Speaking at the courthouse, Justice Pandora, a Black Queer femme said “As a Christian, I believe that God is the one that chooses hair growth — not politicians or justices. But, since I am a justice, I’ll back God on this one.”

The 35% of Americans who don’t follow Christianity are left scratching their heads, several of whom now stroking growing chin whiskers.

VP Embarrassed speaking to press: “We’re seeing extremists criminalize people just for making decisions about their own bodies,” and closer remarks with “this senate clearly doesn’t represent the people. Votes will save you next time.”

In a pro-beard world, razors get rounded up and put in giant stock piles under lock and key. The barber shops and Quick Cuts all close, even for haircuts; buzzers are confiscated. All clippers banned. Even ordering scissors by mail is under threat.

Hair stylists could be fined for a trim, even if it’s unrelated to the beard. Barbers are suddenly added to watch lists. If neighbors suspect a stylist is helping someone, there’s an online form for a $10k reward from the state.

For half the country, access to a professional trim is no longer in town, certainly not one they could afford. If they’re wealthy, they could go to a salon out of state, but who can manage that? (The average American has $400 at most when a crisis hits.)

Then what? Maybe they’d cut their hair at home or a friend’s house. There’s no guarantee someone would get it right. Picture a bunch of men with lopsided bangs, or worse, mullet and goatees.

Stuck with screwed up facial hair, everyone judges them but no one offers financial support. A botched home haircut could lead to complications. They might find their hair won’t ever grow back which could be devastating.

Hair Stands on End: “My Chin, My Choice” Found on Courthouse Bathroom Wall. — The Post-It

Navigating a world without facial hair options is tough. It can be hard on the body. Beards might get in the way of how they go to the bathroom, eat, or sleep, and it only gets harder.

When questioned, Justice Goldie Locks said “That’s not the court's problem. We don’t make the rules; God does.”

But, the effects of growing a beard reach far beyond self-care. For example, anyone who needs to travel is screwed. Airlines don’t allow beards past Santa length. What then? When does a beard reach Santa-length exactly? Pro-Trim advocates want the Senate to review the definition. Speaking to one expert in the North Pole, Elf #73 said, “Santa is in all of us…so before you see stubble.”

And then there’s work. According to people on LinkedIn, those with beards applied for an average of 500 jobs in 2021. Despite hearing of a hiring and economic boom, one dad with a salt-and-pepper beard said “How many times can one hear how they’re not the right “fit” simply because of your body’s biological functions?” When asked if he was still looking. “For now, I enjoy quality time with my children. They love to see what they can hide in my beard.”

Another hair-saddled man shared "Job interviews are soul sucking; We get judged for our appearance, not our qualifications.”

[Pretending to listen] “They question if we can even handle our beard and a job? ‘This guy needs to get his life together. Couldn’t he find a way to not grow a beard?’”

It’s true, a beard is a lot of responsibility.

Even for a person with a fresh beard, hiring managers are biased. “People look at me and think, sure that beard seems fine now but what about later? Soon enough, that beard will be full of soup and crackers; who wants to deal with that whole mess?”

The Bearded Bear the Brunt of the Pandemic. — The 9th

Of course, hair growth is only harder during a pandemic with all the mask-wearing.

One guy we spoke with said, “Yeah, duh. We said for decades forced-hair growth is hard AF but no one listened.”

Vidal Sassoon noted, “In a world that makes you grow a beard but gives you zero resources to care for it, it’s hard not to feel behind.”

Besides losing opportunities, the hair-full loses all “free time.” Outside of work fighting more pro-beard legislation, or taking care of everyone else is not paid, but it’s work. Of course, the non-bearded have “real” work to do.

Having facial hair you don’t even want sucks. It might cause financial loss, but it’s the sense of losing yourself that breaks you.

Hair Raising Turn of Events as Bearded Face Prison for Lack of Growth—The Dissed

In a pro-beard nation, it makes perfect (non)sense that hair has FULL rights which supersede the face it grows on. But what does that mean in practice? Well, if it turns gray, or loses his hair, a guy might face charges, whether or not he’s at fault. Using rogaine to prevent hair loss might sound ok, but some states are unsure. With the laws as vague as their understanding of female anatomy, suppliers could face huge fines; many have decided it's not worth taking the risk.

In a society that values men only for their ability to grow beards, balding is obviously bad. What about the ones who are thinning on top? Should they let a patchy beard grow, even if it's a hot mess? There's really no choice at all. If he just says screw it and shaves his whole damn head, he could end up in prison for follicide.

One partner finished her rom-com before responding, “Totally unfair. Can you believe this country?” As the musical montage played, her partner stared out the window, afraid and nearly catatonic.

Shaking her head, ZZ Top's wife said “I know! It’s the worst. But what can I do? I'd help if I could."

A late poll, tells a different story: Conservative non-bearded care more about themselves than they do human rights. When asked about the poll, the leader behind the movement "Free the Face, Hide the Hair" said “It’s pretty fucked up because 60% of all Americans want epilation rights for all, coded into national law, including 80% of those who can actually grow facial hair.”

Charged with Follicide almost sounds impossible? He lost his hair, not by choice, but because his body stopped growing hair cells normally. Now, he’s lost time to grieve too, fighting murder charges. Living under house arrest because your hair stop growing is a tragedy, but one that does happen in this brave new world.

One guy shouted at his phone, “What a goddamn nightmare!” His friend, also enraged, shouted, “Right? It’s not like all “Growers” wanted to grow it.” It’s almost unimaginable.

As he put it: It was his head, wasn’t it? Wasn’t the hair on his face also his problem? Why wasn’t it up to him to remove? Didn’t his face have rights? Didn’t he have a choice about what to do with his body, like women do with pregnancy?!

Of course pundits will say, a beard isn’t the same at all. It’s not a placenta, an amniotic sac, an umbilical cord, or an embryo and then a fetus.

You’re right, growing a beard does not compare to growing an extra organ first, in order to grow another human, give birth, and care for a full person with needs. Of course, a beard is not a living, breathing, human baby. (Neither is a fetus.)

Still, letting someone control the hair on your head sounds like science fiction. It’s inconceivable! Terrifying!

Imagine this happened in your state.

Do you think men would ever stand for this type of control?! Not for a single second. They'd strike––leave their home offices and take to the streets.

Some would call for withholding fur-faced kisses.

“Hands off our faces!”

“Barbers save sideburns.”

Ridiculous right?

Within days, there’d be a bearded revolution.

I’d bet our goddamn lives on it.

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